


The Weight of Us

by HindsightHero



Category: Red Hood and the Outlaws
Genre: Angst, M/M, spoilers for issue 20
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-17
Updated: 2013-05-17
Packaged: 2017-12-12 03:46:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/806836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HindsightHero/pseuds/HindsightHero
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He had to deal with Jason dying once, and now it felt like he had died again. Only he was sitting there, smiling.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Weight of Us

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah, lets talk about RHatO 19 & 20 and how Jason smiles around Roy and Roy cries.
> 
> Alternative title for this was " S'aru you Little Shit This is Not Funny"

Roy looked at the smile on his face and his stomach sank.  
  
It had only been a week since Kori and him found the man, but in the span of those seven days Roy felt every second tick on in slow motion. Because, the person he was watching, the person who kept smiling at him with those big blue eyes, it wasn’t Jason.  
  
It wasn’t Jason but _God_   how he wanted him to be, and somehow that hurt more than anything else.  
  
He was so relaxed, so curious, so _happy_ , it was beautiful and while before, Roy had never really let himself consider his feelings about the team mate beyond some co-dependency issues and general levels of brotherly trust, and okay once or twice he entertained the idea of a threesome, but, this entire memory debacle had him seriously re-evaluating, quite frankly, everything.  
  
It wasn’t fair.  
  
It just, it really wasn’t fair that he couldn’t explain to Jason _why_   his eyes watered every time he looked him in the eye. Every time Jason would put his hands on Roy’s shoulders in a small, almost childish comforting gesture, or whenever he would give Roy a grin and say ‘You must’ve been a really good friend’.  
  
He had to deal with Jason dying once, and it felt like he had died again and this time it felt like it was Roy’s fault.  
  
Because Jason was so desperate, so depressed that he went and willingly erased his memories.  
  
Willingly.  
  
He didn’t want to believe it.  
  
He _couldn’t_.  
  
He still believed this was all S’aru. That Jason was just being manipulated. Which, while it would have been a crush to his ego, was far better than this.  
  
It was better than the reality of whatever this mess was.  
  
Jason Todd had saved him too many times to count. He saved him that night years ago in the alley when the boy was still Robin, and he saved him back in Q'urac. The man was neck deep in crazy, and he loved every part of it. Because people don’t just put on a fat suit and stuff a bow into a bible to break you out of your own death wish. But Jason had. That’s, that’s what Roy thought this Outlaw team was all about. Saving each other. Helping each other. Being a bunch of good for nothing crazies but laughing _together_.They were a little band of misfit toys and broken and damaged in every way but that’s why it worked.  
  
That’s why it was comforting.  
  
But now, Roy was realizing that it hadn’t been quite so give and take. Jason gave, and saved, and Roy had failed on helping the man he owed everything to. The man who meant everything to him.  
  
He had failed Jason, and now he was gone.  
  
Sure, you could still trace the scars on his body. Every bullet wound, cigarette burn, and cut from a blade. But Jason wouldn’t know what they were.  
  
Roy would never find out how he got them. Or get to listen to their story.  
  
Maybe he was being dumb. He probably was, because its not like Jason talked about those things before anyways. Its not like Jason before would have ever let him touch his scars, or kiss them. Not that, he wanted to.  
  
But.  
  
Okay, see, that’s the other thing.  
  
Roy hated how there was a code between them before. The, ‘don’t let yourself get too close’ code, where Roy respected when Jason wanted to be distant and Roy made sure to not let his mind wander into thoughts that were a bit to risqué for two men who were just friends.  
  
And, sure, he thought he loved Jason before. But now that Roy could see him without all the filters, without all of the walls and security nets and fucking death traps that he used to keep himself distant, Roy was falling, and he was falling hard. Just for the person who wasn’t there anymore.  
  
He hated himself for it.  
  
For not realizing this back when Jason was still. _Jason._ Back when he could kiss those chapped lipped without feeling like it was all some sort of lie. Like he was falling for a mirage, or some dream Jason and not the real thing. The body was there, but his friend wasn’t. The same hands could hold him, or grab his hair but none of it would feel real.  
  
The Jason in front of him, playing a card game with Kori, he probably _would_ tell Roy the story behind every scar on his body, ever mark, and bruise. If he remembered them. If he asked…he would probably even let him…  
  
No.  
  
This Jason, he was nice. He was open, and curious, and while there was still some of that bite like before, it didn’t have the edge. It didn’t have the anger.  
  
This Jason, he would joke with Roy, stay up late with Roy watching cartoons after Kori had gone to bed. Sit close to Roy on the couch and not flinch when they brushed shoulders or their hands touched while reaching for popcorn.  
  
He was an open book, just, with empty pages.  
  
Pages that, Roy was realizing he wanted to fill.  
  
Every bad memory Jason had before, that for some reason he hadn’t told Roy, he wanted to replace. He wanted to be the one to make it up to him, to give him good memories, just like Jason had done for him. But, at the same time, why had Jason forgotten all those good memories of them before?  
  
Weren’t they mutual?  
  
Roy could sit in bed for hours counting every time Jason made him laugh, or every awkward but nice car ride they shared. His life had been shit before, but, between Kori and Jason, he stopped dwelling. He made new memories. Better memories.  
  
A part of Roy wanted to leave line upon line of better things, better words, better images, he wanted Jason to be happy.  
  
The only problem is, it wasn’t that easy. Because for every memory Jason had forgotten, Roy remembered, and it hurt.  
  
There was the morning right after they had been dumped in the snow. They spent the night huddled in a villager’s home and the kind man who let them stay offered Jason a cigarette after breakfast, and Roy watched dumbfounded as he turned it down.  
  
That’s when he started to break.  
  
Because, Roy was slowly realizing that he wouldn’t be waking up to the smell of smoke in some motel room, or smell it on Jason’s clothes or his fingertips. He wouldn’t be able to tell when Jason was stressed, because he would probably no longer chain smoke as things got tough or when he was having a bad night. The times were gone where Roy would pick up an extra pack on his way to the nearest convenient store, and toss it at Jason’s head upon returning to wherever they called home that night. He’d probably never hear Kori complain about the smell getting into the ship, or be able to watch him light up, and just _see_ his muscle relax.  
  
He was losing everything he had spent the last year learning about the man.  
  
So now,  a week later, every time Roy let himself be okay with this…new Jason, he felt confused. On one hand, the smiling face made him feel like he could really do good. Really, somehow make it up to him. After all, this Jason was happy. But on the other hand, every time he looked Jason in the eye it all crumbled. Because, he’d never get the old Jason back.  
  
Not unless Jason wanted it. Which, he didn’t seem to.  
  
He couldn’t be mad at him for that. For wanting to stay happy. But the entire thing was confusing, and by the end of the night, Kori had finished their card game and Jason was looking at Roy with eyebrows furrowed in confusion.  
  
“You’ve barely said a word all night, are you okay?” he asked, and that too, hurt.  
  
 _‘I’m gonna hate myself for saying this, but silence doesn’t suit you Harper.’_  
  
Yeah, that’s how it would’ve gone.  
  
“M’fine. “ the voice that’s talking  doesn’t even sound like Roy. Its too distant. Not that Jason notices.  
  
Kori does, but things weren’t quite right between them. They’d been off ever since S’aru. Ever since he found out a bit too much about Jason and her. Memories she didn’t want to share and memories Roy couldn’t seem to deal with.  
  
So she doesn’t go to him like she normally would. She doesn’t try to comfort him, because she can’t give that to him right now. She’s hurting too much now to be of any help.  
  
“I’m going to go to sleep in the ship tonight” she says suddenly, and though its late,and he knows her ship isn’t anywhere nearby, Roy just nods and lets her leave. Because if Kori wants to leave then she can. He’s not going to stop her. He’s in no mood to stop her.  
  
He didn’t even know if they were still together, and he didn’t want to ask.  
  
Things weren’t so great right now.  
  
He wanted them to be. Roy wanted their team back. He wanted to go back to the days where Jason would leave notes on the fridge, or where they would huddle on the couch in an exhausted pile of limbs after a mission and just watch movies. So what if Jason didn’t smile then. Roy still knew he was happy.  
  
It was all just confusing and, Roy’s head hurt by trying to convince itself of things that he just couldn’t be okay with. Because he wanted to be okay with this happy Jason but he wanted his old Jason back.  
  
  
“Hey..Roy?” Jason asks, and Roy suddenly realizes he had moved to sit next to him on the bed.  
  
“I know I might seem like I don’t know anything, but, give a guy a break okay?”  
  
Roy blinked, and turned to look at him because that, almost sounded like the old Jason.  
  
“What?”  
  
“I chose to forget stuff, yeah. But that doesn’t mean I’m not aware of the fact things had to have been really bad before. I’m not an idiot. I’m..” he shifts and breaks eye contact for a moment. “I’m sorry I forgot you. I can see how much it bothers you. But.. Its hard to explain.”  
  
Roy watched him pause, and think again.  
  
“Try”  
  
“..I still know how to fight. I still, know how to shoot a gun even though I don’t remember learning or what I’ve done with a gun. There are memories but, there’s also things that I think go beyond that.”  
  
Jason looked at him, with eyes blue and desperate and just, hoping that somehow what he was saying was making sense.  
  
It just didn’t to Roy.  
  
“What do you mean?”  
  
He watched as Jason chewed at his bottom lip, and maybe he watched too long. Either way, the man continued.  
  
“I’m saying, when I looked at that monster thing, I wanted to kill it. But, when I looked at you, I felt…”  
  
“Like you _didn’t_ want to kill me?”  He tried, and Jason smiled slightly. Awkwardly.  
  
“Like…”  
  
“Spit it out, Jaybird” He didn’t mean to use the nickname. But it slipped.  
  
“I liked you?”  
  
Oh.  
  
“Oh.” Shit, he hadn’t mean to say it that way. “I mean…Oh. That’s…”  
  
Fuck what was that?  
  
What does that mean?  
  
What do you say to that?  
  
He didn’t want to deal with this now.  
  
“I know we were a team but, had we ever-”  
  
“Woah! Woah, no. No we, we were just close. We were friends, we-Do you even _like_ guys? I mean we never talked about that sort of thing, and I had kind of guessed before  you went on that date with Isabel but then I guess even after that I had suspicions but-”  
  
“I like both” Jason interrupts, and he says it like it’s the easiest confession in the world. Like just a matter of fact thing.  
  
“Oh.” Is all Roy can say.  
  
It was quiet for a while, with Jason sitting, and thinking, and Roy racking his brain for how to not fuck up the entire situation but its not easy and it doesn’t get easier when Jason blurted out “I like you”  
  
 _Fantastic_  
  
Roy released a breath through his nose, and tried to calm down.  
  
“Is this because you think you liked me before?” it hurt to ask, but, he needed to know.  
  
“Yes and no.” he’s honest. “I don’t know what made me like you before, I can’t remember, but I like you now.”  
  
God this hurt. Both emotionally and also because it was just painful to watch. Roy’s life had become some soap opera scripted by fifth graders and the words that poured out of Jason’s mouth just made it worse. This kind of open honesty just, really didn’t suit him.  
  
At the same time…wasn’t this what he wanted?  
  
Jason just outright confessed to liking him, and Roy had spent the last seven days evaluating his emotions to realize he definitely was in love with his best friend, especially when he smiled and wasn’t yelling or hunched over a pistol and brooding but, this, wasn’t quite what he wanted.  
  
He missed the brooding.  
  
He missed everything.  
  
He missed the fighting, and the way Jason’s eyes always seemed to be narrowed or angry at something, and he missed being able to watch them brighten. He missed the old Jason.  
  
He was in love with the old Jason.  
  
Fuck.  
  
Jason looked at him, and Roy knew what he had to do.  
  
“Okay, here’s what’s gonna happen.” he started.  
  
“I’m gonna do this..” Roy left it open ended, the sentence just falling into the air, and he leaned forward to press their lips together.  
  
Jason tensed, and the kiss was awkward for all of two seconds before something just _changed_ and suddenly Jason wasn’t timid. He wasn’t unsure. He’s just reaching up to Roy’s neck to pull him closer, with the same calloused fingers moving into his hair and its almost like the old Jason was back.  
  
Almost.  
  
For a split second, Roy could convince himself he wasn’t kissing some fake. Because he never thought this new Jason would be parting his lips and pulling him in closer. He never though this new Jason would be fond of biting his lip and tugging, or tasting the roof of his mouth but he is. Like he had been waiting more than a week to do this.  
  
He can’t fight it. He can’t _not_ kiss back, even if the whole thing felt wrong. Because there was still chapped lips pressing into his, and the skin was the same, and his teeth, the stubble, and if Roy just tried he could almost taste the tobacco on his tongue.  
  
When they finally pull apart, Jason looks surprised, but the corner of his mouth was pulling into some idiotic half grin and Roy’s stomach flipped. He didn’t want to finish the sentence he had started before, but he had to. He had to try.  
  
“…I want to tell you the good stuff. The good memories, not the bad ones.”  
  
Roy watched as the smile falls. “ I thought I only forgot the bad things”  
  
“You forgot me, and you like me” he defended, and Jason seemed to think it over.  
  
“I just, don’t want to remember whatever it was that made me so desperate to forget. “  
  
“If you forgot it, you forgot it. S’aru has that shit locked up. But I can’t do this without you understanding why.. Why I like _you_ , Okay?”  
  
The confession has Jason a bit more eager. “So you do like me?”  
  
“I liked the old you”  
  
“Oh”  
  
“And I can like this you,  but, I need you to know why, okay Jaybird? I need you to know how I think about the times you’ve saved me, or the times we did stupid things. I need you to know /why/ it hurts so bad that you forgot me.”  
  
“I said I was sorry” he was getting defensive, but somehow it was reassuring for Roy.  
  
“It still fucking hurts. Like, did you know you used to smoke?”  
  
He frowned. “Is that the taste in my mouth?”  
  
“Yeah, and whenever you were stressed I’d lend you a five to go grab a pack and I’d just watch you smoke them for the rest of the night.“ Roy knows he shouldn’t be doing this. it’s a bad road, but he can’t stop.  
  
“..what?”  
  
“That’s what I miss.”  
  
“You miss me smoking?”  
  
“Fuck, no, I miss _knowing_ you. You don’t know the things we would do, or how we’d go and order the spiciest things on the menu, or how we’d fight over pizza toppings, or how we would rant about our shitty mentors for hours on long car rides or-”  
  
“Mentors?”  
  
“Damnit!” Roy’s foot kicked the nightstand and he stood up. He couldn’t take this. It hurt too much. His eyes were already watering and he hated it. He hated this whole fucked up mess. Jason stayed seated but his shoulders were tense, just watching Roy, confused.  
  
“I can’t _talk_ to you anymore. “ He finally admitted.  
  
The small room went quiet, and it stayed quiet until Roy tried to swallow but it caught in his throat.  
  
It was just too much.  
  
Their team was broken, and Jason was happy but Roy wasn’t because how could he be happy when the person who meant the world to him, could never understand _why_?  
  
“Okay” Jason said then, and Roy looked up from the floor. “Okay. Tell me the good things.”  
  
Roy wanted that to be enough. He really did. But now all he was thinking about were the all too many things they _wouldn’t_ be able to talk about. Everything that mattered. He could tell Jason how he rescued him in Q'urac but what happens when Jason wants to know if he killed someone to do so? Or why Roy was in Qatar? What happens when Roy tries explaining why they were the two worst sidekicks and how somehow that was the best thing in the world because it meant they weren‘t alone? S’aru had been right. Everything was connected to the darkness. Every good memory between them was a result of some shitty circumstance.  
  
Jason couldn’t know him and still be happy.  
  
He just, couldn’t.  
  
He could never be the person to give Jason good memories.  
  
He wasn’t a good enough person for that.  
  
“Nevermind..”  
  
  
  



End file.
